I’m sorry things didn’t work out with Jessica. I guess she loved being a top executive for her vague tech company more than she seemingly loved being a small-time gal. It’s amazing her car magically started working as soon as Christmas Day was over. I guess that’s the Christmas spirit for you.
Look, it’s been six weeks since she left, and I think it’s time someone told you: you need to get it together. Learn from the last eight times.
The same thing happens every year right before Christmas. You do random stuff around town waiting to ‘bump into’ a city girl, by doing one of the following:
1) Offering to Pump Gas for Strangers at the Christmas-Themed Gas Station
2) Aimlessly Walking Around Town Hugging a Christmas Tree (And Pushing Strangers Over)
3) Pretending to Fix the Town-Square Christmas Lights for Hours (And Greeting Random Strangers Like You Know Them)
4) Chopping Logs Publicly Yelling “Ho! Ho! Ho!” as You Give as Gifts to Strangers
5) Pretending to Busk Christmas Music with a String-less Guitar and Taking Requests (Which You Play on Your Phone) From Strangers
As soon you as see the girl, who’s usually speaking loudly into her cellphone about assets, you drop everything and push your way towards her.She stumbles, dropping her phone and her Eggnog latte. You pick her up and ask if she was the nerdy girl you picked on in high school. She shakes her head since this isn’t her home town. But you brush it off, before you coolly take an ‘important’ call about your own assets and walk away.
Luckily, you’re handsome. Or she would’ve called the cops. You have been blessed with a chiseled jaw line, a six pack, and a radiant smile. But,I’m sorry, no normal-human social skills.
Anyway, the next day, the amateur actors you hired bump into her while she’s on a call with her mom or best friend about the hunk she just met. You happen to be walking by them just about when they mention you invented The Snuggie. Her jaw drops. “Oh, that?” You say.
But at that point, she’s fallen for you, and you know it. She spends the next few days walking around town, getting into the spirit of things. You even villainize a random woman for her to build some drama around her history with Christmas.
Apart from a small scuffle with the new villain and some hot cocoa, everything goes relatively all right up until Christmas. This is where you surprise her by flying her parents and “nana” in. We’re all there, including me, for you to pull out the ring you’ve used for years to ask if she wants to be your “Mrs. Claus”. The poor girl naturally runs away — after a very awkward turkey dinner.
Look, I know how much you love the holiday. But maybe it’s time to focus on building relationships during other parts of the year, like around Valentine’s or Columbus Day. I would say to move on, but you’ve moved to a different town every year to find the right Christmas city girl. I guess all the strangers make sense now.
Anyway, I’m just glad you’ve found a way to channel your grief through writing. Let’s just hope Hallmark buy the rights to the romantic scripts you’ve written. Maybe just end the stories on the 24th? Just an idea!
Your best bud,
Published in 2 Ho Ho Ho's