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Health and Safety Procedure #419: Finding a Squirrel in the Office

1. Stay calm. Do not chase the squirrel around the office.

2. Direct the squirrel to the nearest nut station (now installed by every fire exit). WARNING: do not make eye-contact with the squirrel. It may be evil.

3. Using the small hammer attached to it, shatter the glass-encased nut station and remove nut pouches. Be mindful of the squirrel when striking the station, and of broken glass (bandages provided). NOTE: Squirrel alarm will go off throughout the office.

4. Be courteous and open the nut pouch for the squirrel. A smaller pouch is available for you, if you’re hungry.

5. While it eats, calm the squirrel by asking it questions (laminated sheet with questions provided in each station). NOTE: It may not answer you. This is normal.

6. Make sure to call it by its first name. If it doesn’t have one, feel free to make one up. WARNING: Do NOT call it NUTS.

7. When it’s done, place the squirrel on your shoulder (instructions on back of laminated sheet) and introduce it to everyone in the office. Make it feel welcome.

8. Show it to the designated squirrel waiting room, next to reception, where there are more nut pouches and “Squirrel-Quarterly” magazines (thank you, Marketing). Offer it a beverage.

9. Lock it inside.

10. Call Animal Control (please Google for number).

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