Hi, I'm Sharp Carousel 1300, better known as your dedicated office microwave. You may know me from your lunch breaks or, if you bring a sandwich, as the cream-colored rectangular box in the corner. I'm small, efficient and I like to make waves.
David has left me heating with a spluttering bean burrito and I have three minutes and twelve seconds to kill. So why not learn a little bit more about your microwave?
I’d also like to take this time to raise awareness on a cause that’s very close to my heart. Microwaves face serious domestic issues when left in an office kitchen. We’re used – but not thoroughly. We have over twenty functions, most which are sadly neglected. As office microwaves, we’re not meeting our full potential. Did you know I can defrost an entire chicken?
Go to this link to find out more: https://www.morethanjustyourofficemicrowave.com/awareness
Anyway, let's have some fun! And please, let's keep it clean!
Edit: Wow, what a response. Thank you so much for your questions! This was fun, though I did get a little bit crazy in the end (like I normally do).
Time – 3:12
How old are you?
17 human years. 137 in microwave years.
Time – 3:06
What’s the best time you’ve had in the office?
3 seconds. Eric O’Reilly, 2007 – Pop Tarts.
Time – 2:59
Where are you originally from?
A magical place called Cleveland.
Time – 2:53
Other than yourself, who’s your favorite appliance in the kitchen?
Terry, the toaster. We’ve been here since the early noughties and we both like to warm things up – great minds!
Time – 2:43
Wow, hi, big fan of your work. Can you tell me more of this campaign that you’ve started?
Well, it was started when I realized my instructions, praise be unto them, were left under my body when I was first plugged in. This was in the first week. Since then, I’ve only had, at most, five functions used in my entire tenure. It gets boring after a while, especially when you realize that I can do more than that.
Did you know I have a ‘potato’ function? That’s right. If you’re willing to wait an entire 15 minutes to cook a potato, then you’re in luck. I haven’t met anyone who doesn’t like a plain potato for lunch.
Who needs a sandwich? They’re so 1965!
Time – 2:20
You said ‘praise be unto them’. Are you religious or something?
I am. I follow the guidance as set out to me by maker—Sharp . I think they said it best when they said: “If you follow these instructions carefully, your oven will provide you with many years of good service.” Amen!
Time – 1:57
What’s your favorite thing to microwave?
First of all, a microwave is an appliance, not a verb.
To answer your question, my favourite thing to heat up is a bowl of water. It’s like a spa day for me.
Time – 1:30
A bean burrito or a Hot Pocket?
Neither! Why not try defrosting a some frozen broccoli for your lunch?
David’s bean burrito is seriously tearing my insides apart. Sorry, is it just me or everything turning fuzzy?
Time – 1:23
Any exciting moments since you’ve been here?
I had somewhat of an intimate relationship with Susan Broderick from Accounts Payable back in 2018. There were three weeks in January when she would defrost a leek and potato soup for her lunch and then finish it off with some popcorn. Two functions in less than 30 minutes! It still makes my plate spin uncontrollably just thinking about it. She really knew how to use me. She was so adventurous.
Unfortunately, I overheard she was let go for stealing company time. How I wish she was still around! There will never be another Susan.
Time – 0:59
Were there ever any other loves in your life?
I once had a fling with Roger, the fridge, but he turned out to be way too possessive.
Guys, can someone call David back? He put this thing in me for 22 minutes. Is that right?? Everything is getting dark.
Time – 0:51
You’ve mentioned you have over twenty functions. If there was one thing you could do, what would it be?
Walk. That way I can finally take some laps around the kitchen.
Maybe walk over to David and tell him something’s wrong. Seriously though, I honestly can’t see anything. Everything’s turning brown. What’s happening?
Time – 0:34
Any other wisdom from your ‘book’ you can share with us?
Hmm. Good question! I always think of this when I’m anxious or scared: “The oven must be on a leveled surface.” SAFETY:1:1 When things go wrong, make sure you keep you’re cool.
OH SHARP! OH, NO! WHY AM I POPPING? POP-POPOPOPOP SOMEONE, PLEASE SWITCH ME OFF! I’M OVER –
Time – 0:19
For someone that’s 137, you look remarkably well. What’s your secret?
PLEASE END THIS! BEANS ARE EXPLODING INSIDE ME. CAN YOU NOT HEAR - POP-POPOPOPOP – GET DAVID, GET THE MANAGERS!
Time – 0:08
What are your thoughts on heating fish in the office? Yay or nay?
PLEASE, LISTEN TO ME YOU DUMB SON OF A – BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!