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Terk's Best Ape Speech at Tarzan and Jane's Wedding

Hello everyone! As you may already know, I’m Terk, Tarzan’s Best Friend and today’s ‘Best Ape’. When Tarzan asked me to be the ‘Best Ape’ at his wedding, I reacted like any typical ape would -- by asking him: “what the hell is a wedding?” After he explained to me that a wedding is where two humans promise they’ll be with only each other for the rest of their lives until one, or both, of them dies, I laughed. But he slammed his chest in rage and then sobbed, which, of course, made me realize, that this was an entirely rational decision. So, I’m honored he asked me to take part in this ‘special day’. Don’t worry, I’ll keep this short. We all know Tarzan’s attention span is shorter than his loincloth.

Tarzan and I have been tree-housemates for twenty years and in that time, I’ve come to know him pretty well. The day I met him, for example (this is a true story) he only knew three words. And two of them were 'Ug'. Since then, he’s grown into a fine ape. He’s learned to walk like us, swing on vines, and even managed to learn eight more words.

And in all the time, I can honestly say that I’ve never seen him as happy, or confused, as the day he met Jane. He followed her for days before she even noticed he was stalking her.

Jane, as you know, arrived with her family and friends earlier this week with the intention of 'studying' us. And by that, I mean capturing us, and if we resisted, shooting us. Like Tarzan’s father, Kerchak. Jane called it a ‘flesh wound’, but Clayton, Jane’s ex, clearly shot him in the face. We saw it from our cages! Luckily Kerchak’s loyal crocodile came to the rescue and ripped Clayton to shreds before releasing us all. It was a magical moment. Until I realized my arm had been pulled apart in the process.

Was Tarzan bothered that he had been captured, threatened, and severely traumatized too? No. Tarzan has always had an amazing ability to bounce back, and he was in love. Jane, on the other hand, was scared for her life as soon as we were out. She rushed behind Tarzan and asked him to save her. Which he took as a marriage proposal, for some reason. Tarzan has always had an amazing ability not to understand basic situations, too. And here we all are two hours later.

And look, I wouldn’t be the ‘Best Ape’ if I didn’t mention the destruction Jane’s arrival has brought to our lives. But then again, who am I to get in the way of true love? Jane has finally stopped shaking and Tarzan, you seem happy, so why rock the hammock? So, before I lose any more blood and pass out, I’d like to just say:congratulations!

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