Things I Imagine Seagulls Say About Me

Hey look, Brian just washed his car. Let's all shit on it!

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Where should we have sex?

How about on Brian’s car?

Do you think he’ll mind?

Not at all.

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Come on, let’s go to Brian’s front step and thank him for putting up with us. Maybe as a thank you, we can rip his garbage apart.

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Brian’s been rushing to work lately. Let’s do the right thing and wake him up at 4.

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Brian’s done a wonderful job cleaning after us. If that’s not a sign for us to stick around, I don’t know what is.

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Brian’s speeding home again. We should remind him to slow down by standing in the middle of the road.

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Brian obviously wants us to eat from his picnic. I mean, why else is he on his phone?


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Brian’s throwing a party. Maybe our invitation was thrown in the garbage.



Let’s find it!

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Brian must miss the States. Let’s remind him of home and take 50 shits on his front window.

Don’t forget the US territories!

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These roofing tiles look old. We should pick them apart and alert Brian to replace them.



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Brian looks drunk.

Did he just throw up outside?

Come on guys, let’s help him clean it up, and maybe eat some.