Congratulations! You have been chosen to spar with Bob “The Bard” Dylan. After extensive research, we have chosen you due to your complete lack of fighting experience. The Bard has an 80–0 record in his long career, and he’s hungry to get back in the ring.
Location: The Bard’s Gym, behind what was once the 18th Street Coffee House, Santa Monica, California.
Time: Friday at 7:00 p.m
Sparring Match: 8 rounds lasting 2:30 minutes each. That’s the approximate length of “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door” or a harmonica solo by The Bard.
A lightweight and breathable head guard.
A pair of professional boxing gloves.
A pair of golden trunks with “THE MAN” written on them.
Entrance Music: Upon starting, you will walk slowly into the ring to Joan Baez’s “Diamonds in the Rust,” which fires up The Bard. He will enter with either Simon & Garfunkel’s “The Boxer”, or Luis Fonsi’s (feat. Daddy Yankee) 2019 summer hit “Despacito.”
Do not punch The Bard. This includes jabs, hooks, crosses, hooks and uppercuts. In fact, do not lift your arms at all.
Keep your body open and vulnerable.
Do not move. Stay perfectly still (eyebrows included).
Do not stare at The Bard’s steely blue eyes.
Accept ALL punches (legal and illegal) from The Bard.
If you ever accidentally touch The Bard, immediately drop for a KO.
If The Bard cannot last eight rounds, we will strap you to a punching bag. Do not resist.
If these rules are not followed, you will be forced to listen to The Bard’s Christmas album: “Christmas in the Heart.”
Note: The entire fight will be recorded for The Bard to study after.
Compensation: For your time, you will be compensated with a 5% discount on a panini of your choice at the coffee shop (if it ever reopens).
See you there!
Bob “The Bard” Dylan’s Management Team